Clearness On An Eastheld Sun

Monday, March 15, 2010

Open eyes. A yellow wall. The same wall which just hours before was an audience to one of my morbidly creative meditations on death and bringing my own end. Now it was ready for a performance of a different perspective. In the morning cold, on a stage of pillows and bedsheets, I saw something clear. Recumbent though I was, I had now a better view. The faint streetlight of the night before was replaced by fervent sunlight, eager to break through the heavy cloth curtain guarding my room from the brightness of a possible better day. A slip in the curtain gave way for light to shine through and onto the wall. Open eyes. A yellow wall.

Why? Why break my head over one man's meth-driven ruin? The noose around my neck tightened by his disregard. His total loss and complete negligence of the chaos he created was so calamitous that it became a flood that spilled viciously over to what I had held for him. My care turned into a concern and from a concern, into a burden. No man walks away from the wrong he has done. Bobby has done wrong and continues to walk uncuffed, untouched and more importantly, uncaring. Was I to shoulder the broken face of a man who has hustled this entire family for their care, their pity? It's what I did. It's something I decided I will no longer do.

I have been loud these past few weeks. You can call it care. There are many strangers out there breaking the lives of others but you don't see my words roll on about them. Bobby - who just so happens to hold the same last name as I - was natural as someone to give a shit about*. As of that morning and that yellow wall, it no longer exists. Clarity was found with that sun in the east. For his detached, heartless, unconcerned pseudo-livelihood, I return my care no longer. He is as strange to I as the many people I don't give a fuck about. As I who have searched for my own demise, I instead kill a pestering negativity that put the gun to my head. He is as good as dead to me. Bobby who? I don't know him.

Proof of my newfound stance will come in the following weeks where he is sure to make an appearance. We'll see what happens. May this be the last of the disheveled disgrace. I hope to no longer commit any words in his name.



*As for family and automatic respect, that's another entry to be discussed on its own. Two-word summary: "uhh, no."